Grief and Opportunity

I cut my hair Friday just after I realized I needed to let go of the life I once knew. It's been coming, the haircut I mean. I decided last summer to let it go grey. I worked with a stylist for months to make the transition as smooth and gentle as possible. We actually added color so that I could one day use no color. Then, in October, we vacated our home. I continued the commitment to go natural but had no time to make the transition gentle.

We re-located to Tucson and I had less time than ever to even think about my hair. When we moved into our current home there was no hot water, and I need hot water to wash my hair! A plumber fixed the water issue, but I soon found I didn't have time to even brush my hair. Just look at the slideshow from a few days ago and you'll see reality.

Last week when I found myself in a deep valley I knew something had to change. I talked with our biofeedback, neurobehaviorist, psychologist who has been helping our kids with the brain injury component of the mold exposure. He has seen hundreds of mold patients and says this is the most traumatized group of individuals he has ever seen. He helped me sort through the overwhelming task of helping each child recover from their own brain injury/trauma. And then we talked about grieving. The reality that life will never be the same.

Never.

When we first left the house I honestly thought, "We'll get better and soon be back to normal." I think the denial that goes with trauma is really a gift. I couldn't have handled anything more at that point. As our health continued to suffer and we re-located, I thought, "We'll be here for a couple of months and then get back to normal." Now, as we continue to face medical, financial, and emotional challenges, it's time to face reality.

When I left his office that day, I went straight to Great Clips. My daughter, Shannon, met me and with her encouragement I told the stylist to cut off all of the color. It was time. I can't say I like my hair. It's quite short with lots of grey. But I feel much freer. No more covering up the roots. No more trying to look younger than I am. No more hiding the fact that life has changed. With every loss comes opportunity. A chance for something new. I think I'm ready.